During this week's Round Table, we are discussing role play.
When I hear the words role play, I automatically think I should grab my schoolgirl
uniform and my husband will play the headmaster. I love the idea - even just
writing the word headmaster gets me going. But what I'm going to write about is
a different aspect of role play altogether. Sorry guys - naughty schoolgirl
fantasy will have to wait…
My husband and I are newer at this. In case you're new to my
blog, I only just came out to him in December 2012. We've had some great sessions
and some not so great sessions. They don't always work out like the books… J
One thing we're getting really really great at is talking.
My husband was actually the one to bring up role play and
for us, I think it will become a sort of bridge to help get us from one place
to the next. We've been together for a long time and our relationship only
recently includes spanking. He's made the comment that for as long as we've
known each other, the element of power exchange was simply not there. I'd kept
my secret well… He admitted he had a hard time with stepping into this new role
and wrapping his brain around it without some element of making it into a role play.
And I realized this was also true for me. I guess after so many years together,
it was just as hard for me to step into the role of submissive even while I was
the one asking for it.
I have a good friend who helped simplify things for me and
for us and a part of that simplification is the role play. Together, my husband
and I choose the date and time to play (we have kids so we must plan ahead). He
knows I like to be spanked so that's a part of what we'll do but in that
allotted time, he decides on the rest and becomes, for the time allotted and
agreed upon, the Dominant partner - the one who gets to make up the game. I become
the submissive partner who surrenders herself to it.
I know, you're saying huh? I thought you were already the
submissive partner. Read on…
This is an interesting piece for me - the whole 'playing' the
role of the submissive. As much as this is my nature, as much as this is what
makes my knees go weak and my belly do crazy things, I have to really get
myself into the mindset to play the part of the submissive partner, the one
who, well, submits or surrenders her power over to her Dominant.
This comes not as easily as one would think. Certainly not
as easily as I thought. I am inclined to give instruction - yes, even while
bent over the arm of the couch, skirt up, panties down… I like to be the boss of things and really
need someone who can manage that so my partner has to be stronger than me in
every way and I can tell you, I'm always looking for holes. It's a bad habit.
The friend I mentioned above gave me one other piece of advice.
Well, it wasn't really advice, it was more a non-negotiable instruction: no
matter what you want to say or do to 'help' your partner, you neither say it
nor do it within the time that you are playing. You simply submit. Period. It's
not that hard - you just do as he says. And tough luck if it's not exactly what
you wanted.
Well, this is kind of hard for me - see what I said a few
sentences ago. I introduced this to our relationship and as much as I'd like to
hand over the paddle and lower my brow (or offer my bottom), it's not a
natural, instinctual place for my husband to be. And this is where role play
for us fits right now.
In doing this, I have a very clear instruction in my mind.
Just one instruction: submit to whatever he says. It sounds really easy when I
write it but it took me some time to wrap my brain around - still wrapping
even… This is still new to me but I can tell you, it makes a difference.
Knowing that I'm not to say one single word, not make a tiny little adjustment
to a position, not take responsibility over the smallest part of what is to
happen - well, it kind of works for me. The instruction is so clear - just
submit. That's it. That's all that is expected of me - play the role of the
submissive.
I wonder how long it will take for me to stop playing the
role and just become it.
22 comments:
A very well thought out and considered post, Natasha. I can see how role-play would have its place in developing a D/s relationship when you put it like that. Today's discussion has certainly given me food for thought all round.
Have you ever taken this dumbass quiz? Just wondering.http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/Sex/poeticthinker/do-you-have-an-inclination-for-bdsm/
That's such a great idea to just leave any feedback until the "scene" is over. It makes staying "in character" much easier and makes sense that it allows you to sink into submission.
Thanks Tara. I enjoyed reading the other posts as well. Interesting perspectives.
What are you saying?? :) Your link doesn't work and I want to take it.
Easier said than done though ;)
I can't put a link in your comment box here. I'll email you.
I do not know anyone who just submits. My friends love to talk and brat. Whatever works for you is fine. I actually love feedback and the interaction with the sub.
Hug,
joey
Natasha! Sometimes I feel like we're married to the same guy (well, obviously not, but you know what I'm saying).
This is sort of what I mentioned last time in my post about submission. I have just started 'being submissive' when we're in the bedroom. Because I am the same way- seriously it's ridiculous, I was tied to the bed, ginger in my ass and I was directing him on how to spank! Way to ruin it for myself, LOL
Learning how to be submissive and he's learning how to dominate me. I do think role playing helps out with this!
Also, I want to take that quiz, forward me Sheri's link!
It's very hard for some of us to completely let go and be powerless. I am a very controlled and controlling person by nature, and I'm not comfortable letting someone else take over.
But when I finally do, it's pretty damned awesome. Just not all that often. :-) You're working on it, so be very patient with yourself, and gentle.
For me, if there's interaction (and maybe we mean different sorts of interaction) it puts us on an equal level and for myself, to feel fully dominated, I need to be lesser if that makes sense. There are so many little differences for all of us and it's interesting to hear all different POVs.
I am submissive, the masochist, then a bunch of other things that aren't a surprise at all. I'm curious of your results. It was a fun test.
I totally get that - tied up, ginger, being spanked and giving instruction! Think we'll ever get it?
That's the thing - I want to give it all and feel that surrender. It would be amazing to just let it all go.
Pema Chodron says what you say - be kind, patient, gentle with yourself. It's a very nice message. :)
Natasha, I loved this!
I feel the same way. It is so hard to give up the control. but it is also so yummy when it happens!
Great post!
:)
Tara, that is why I love these discussions! I always come away with something new to think about. Each discussion so far has given me some valuable insight that expands my mind & helps me re-evaluate my perspective.
Yes, this is so true. When I just let go and leave my feedback until it's over it goes much better and we are much more satisfied. Unless it's something serious (like something is hurting in the bad hurt type of way) just let it go. You can evaluate when it's all over if it's something to bring up or not. Surrender to the moment :-) I've never regretted not saying something.
It's nice when you get to a level of comfort that you can brat a little and know your top will not back down. Until you reach that level...unless you've talked about it ahead of time...it sends a confusing message to a newbie top (and even yourself.)
Hahaha I've had that same moment! I learn and then have to re-learn! It's so much better to just let it go and give feedback at a more appropriate time. I have a tendency to try to over control the situation. I think that might be why this whole dynamic appeals to me.
These were my results. Interesting!
Masochist
89%
Experimental
86%
Switch
82%
Submissive
71%
Bondage
54%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur
50%
Sadist
32%
Vanilla
25%
Dominant
14%
Thanks Katherine. This post was difficult but I am so glad to have done it.
Sorry to nerd, but you can put links in comments, Sheri: you just need to wrap them in anchor tags.
Like this: <a href="http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/Sex/poeticthinker/do-you-have-an-inclination-for-bdsm/">Linky!</a>
Which comes out as: Linky!
Hm. That was quite nerdy.
Great post, Natasha. As always!
Thank you for being so open and sharing your thoughts and feelings. I think many of us, wherever we are on the kinky scale, can identify with the dilemma you describe: that desire for things to be just right, that fear of letting go.
I have a suggestion for something that might help (if it isn't too presumptuous). You might already have tried it, but I have found that being bound and gagged really helped me feel all the things I wanted to, times ten. So incredibly hot to be literally helpless; to be forcefully silenced (I say silenced, but of course I really mean to have one's words reduced to nonsensical moans). And then, of course, to have your partner do as he pleases with you.
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