Author Patricia Green and is hosting today's Round Table Discussion and her topic is Being of an Age and Spanking: a discussion about how one changes as a spanking partner over the years of a relationship.
I'm not really sure how to answer this one because we're so new to it, but it got me thinking. First off, my husband and I do not practice DD. It's just not a part of the dynamic between us. I pretty much just like to be spanked when I want to be spanked how I want to be spanked. Or so he says at least...and as of late, I must say, he's right.
I like to say that I'm submissive - and I want to be and am in many ways, but I also know exactly what I want and realized recently I'm not as flexible as I like to think on that. I read an article my friend Tracey shared with me written by Cherise Sinclar. I actually read it to pass along to my husband as it was about beginning domination (linked if you'd like to have a look at it). My take away from that was that he, as the dominant, gets to decide (she says it much better than I so go have a look at the article). Of course, I know that and yes, that's what I want. I want him to take over and dominate me. Yep - very easy. So he read it and we talked about it and I thought and thought about it. He made some comment about me wanting to be dominated my way and not really giving him room to come up with his own plan. He might also have called me bossy (or something else) in that conversation but I can't remember for sure...
In the last year and few months, we've had ups and downs but overall, we are closer and just more intimate together. I think we value each other more. We had a pretty good relationship to start with and telling him about my spanking desires brought us to an even better place. We still hit lows by the way and are not perfect, but where I see this taking us in the coming years is just closer together. I'm hoping as we talk and as we practice, we learn more about ourselves, about each other and take away layer after layer to get to the good stuff, the heart of this.
Maybe we push some boundaries too. I hope so. This whole 'you're only submissive when you want to be submissive' thing kind of threw me. It made me wonder if it was a lack of trust and in a way, it is or is partly at least. I'm hoping in the coming years I learn to trust him to give me what I want and need and I know he can only do that if I trust him to do it in the first place. Does that make any sense? I've said this before - everything has its opposite and both are true at once. This is one of those things.
Tracey and I have also spoken about submission and how in a way, you have to give your submission for him to be able to dominate. It's like someone has to go first and in D/s, it's the submissive (in my mind) and the submission that has to first be given otherwise it turns into something else, something potentially not good.
So, I rambled. I'm not even sure I answered the question on hand but it's where my mind is at the moment. If I can sum this up in one line: I hope in the coming years we are closer together because of this and yes, most definitely I hope to still have a nicely spanked bottom and just figure out together where we are going.
Please visit the other participants on today's discussion so make sure you have a look and visit them. The links are below. Thanks for reading and have a lovely weekend.
30 comments:
I enjoyed reading your perspective on this topic Natasha. Wanting to be dominated 'your way'. Yep, Giving up that control is so difficult to do and I agree, it is a lot to do with trust. That level of trust takes time to develop.
Dominance and submission really do feed off each other. The more submissive we are, the more dominant he becomes. To me it's each of us working on our roles together.
I loved your last paragraph. Being closer and figuring out where you are going together is what it's all about :)
Hugs,
Roz
I totally agree! I think this is how I am too. I want my husband to just take over, but then at times I start directing. He also tells me I am bossy. Thanks for sharing that article, I think I knew all of that it is just written more simply.
Nice post Natasha, and I hope you always have a nicely spanked bottom too.
Your post really reveals the complexity of domination and submission. It's all a journey.
You and I have talked about this ad nauseum not much to add. But as my husband and I grow and get older as newbies in this it is difficult to get your needs across and not top from the bottom. But when submit to him outside of the bedroom he seems to puff into what I want. But I love control!! It's so hard--I find myself saying shut up Tracey let him do it his way. I find myself saying more and more. "What do you think I should do?" Or "whatever you think honey, I'll do it" and the hard one "you usually make good decisions, I'll trust your decision." You can see it. They crave power and want us to honor and submit.
It's fun when they point and say upstairs, and you notice he has a ruler. Oh hell, we didn't talk about a ruler. Does he know he can hurt me with that thing? Well duh, didn't I say you need to hurt me and surprise me. Going with the flow and submit. Mmmmm what a concept. Lord. Someday it will be natural, right??
Thoughtful and thought provoking as always!
You're right in that if the submission doesn't come first and voluntarily, then it could very much lead to something not good.
I totally get the unsubmissive submissive :D
On one hand, can submission be constrained, or qualified or is it topping from the bottom? But on the other hand isn't much of submission qualified though with the discussion/agreement on hard limits?
And another thing, just because you submit in the bedroom, does that mean you should automatically submit to say for example, the division of household chores?
It's a vast topic, and the answers are probably as diverse as the people practicing it, in the way that feels right to them.
I hopped a bit and my first thoughts is a reaction to you all:
Most of the Round Table Writers are young. You are strong and independent women and you know what you want. Only, like Natasha said, wanting it is one thing, living it is another. Another thing that caught my attention in most posts is that your husband is in a spanking relationship because they love you. You did not became the submissive one because he was very dominant and you just followed his lead. No, most of you came out, and just because he loves you he said yes, OK, lets give it a go. OK, maybe there is a benefit for him as well here and there. You all should hang on to that wonderful man, because you don't only love him, he loves you to pieces as well.
As I am 54 and really looking forward to my twin year (twin 5's) this year. My loved one and I were married 20 years last year. I have dominant thoughts since my adolescence years. After a few short relations that didn't work out – the kink is NOT for everyone – I met my wife. Well, I knew her all my life, she was my sister's best friend. We fell in love, got married and all hell broke loose. We needed and got help and that is when I found out my wife was submissive. She is just as tough as you guys are and not in any way the meek little housewife stereotype.
We don't have a DD relationship in the sense that what I say shall be done. We don't share our relationship with other people, with a few exceptions. Our sexual relationship is something between her and me. Casey, your life doesn't stop when you become a parent. You get very creative in stealing moments. We've got one daughter (19 you do the math) and she's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I write to my daughter every week a letter since she was 2 years old. Sometimes a few lines, sometimes more. Three weeks ago I wrote a letter to her explaining how the relationship between her mother and me is, and what to us is the difference between abuse and pleasure. I will give her the letters (she never has seen one of them) on her 21st birthday.
She thinks, just like you all I suppose, old people and parents don't have sex anymore. When I gave my wife last year a nice pink vibrator on her birthday she went screaming to her room. TMI. I understand of course. This week my wife and I went on a three day holiday just on our own. My daughter stayed at home. I read her a few pages out loud from Dinah McLeod's “Sir, yes sir” and bought us a bath brush and gave her 12 swats, just like in the book. I have a weird sense of romance. We behaved like newly weds. I could see a some people in the hotel thinking “Oh dear, another bloke living his a midlife crisis”.
No, the crisis is behind us. I am still glowing, when I think of last week. There is no wrong or right in a relationship. Just go along with what you feel is best. And it will deepen. For a lifetime.
Sorry for rambling, Natasha,
Han
I am 52 and my husband is 58 in a couple months. We, like you and your wife, are enjoying the moments we can steal and are a testament to the "younger" crew that it doesn't end--you have to plan better!!
Wow, after Han's comment I really don't know what to say :) Does he have a blog?
Just so you know I've been reading,
Love and hugs
V.
Natasha, I loved reading your thoughts. It's made me think if I do that too upon occasion, the whole "I'll submit if I want to or not at all." You know, I think that's part of being an independent woman. Being an independent woman doesn't mean you can't submit, but just that at certain times you really don't flippin' want to! Maybe that's the struggle and the satisfaction for some women who enjoy that aspect of the lifestyle. Maybe it's as you said, a lack of trust? Or maybe it's like the DD version of trying to keep up with the Joneses when in fact DD doesn't come in a one-size fits all. I'm going to have to think about that and where I fit these days in that particular dynamic but at the moment, maybe our biggest problem is in trying to make our relationships fit the fairytale image our books tend to depict of TTWD.
"Maybe our biggest problem is in trying to make our relationships fit the fairytale image our books tend to depict". Well said, Maren. How to seperate your creative mind from the imperfect partner. No solution I can think of. Life is not a book. And men - all men - make stupid mistakes IRL. Not in your books, though. But as soon as you realize that, you have found the solution for your problem, I think.
Should he wait to take control until you are in the flippin' mood? Not on your life, he should. What is important he knows how to communicate 'the games have begun'. The real problem we faced for example is that one partner (me) was thought that control had been given to me, and the other partner (my loved one) still thought "who do you think you are.." (picture public transportation and half the tram is listening in :-) close brackets after smiley with nose.
I wish you a happy journey finding out, Maren.
Topping from the bottom is only bad if both parties find it annoying for some reason. Maybe the dominant party feels like he's being led around on a ride he doesn't want to experience. Maybe the submissive party feels like she wants the dominant to take charge so she has a break from the toil of living an upright life and sometimes failing, and so she keeps goading him to do it. But every relationship is different. Good relationships find accommodation. They find a way to into a groove. You have to keep working at it, using compromise as a tool that works. Thanks for sharing your thoughts today.
I will try again without the typos. Hans do you have a blog? I would love to read your musings!! If not you should think about, I think many would read it.
Nah, Tracey. That would be boring. It's Han by the way. Hans is so German... Han is so virile, so masculine, so.. full of shit.
I just like to comment sometimes on the musings of my favorite writer.
Thank you for your kind reaction.
Han
You are so right Patricia, topping from the bottom is also helping your partner finding a way what works for you both. Communication is the key of course. And the courage to experiment. (We tried to switch twice. NOT a succes :-( . The belt hurts much more on the male than the female parts that matter, every one knows that.
But it is good to try, and it is good how it feels).
Great post, Natasha!
We are so alike in our journeys!
I still top from the bottom, and totally fantasize about him dominating and ravaging me- except for when I am not in the mood. LOL.
:)
But we are still shifting in our relationship, as we grow.
Let's keep comparing notes over the years!!
:)
Hi Roz,I think I'm getting that - the more submissive I am willing to be, the more dominant he becomes. Trust is huge and to be honest, I didn't realize how much of an issue I had with trust until this. I have known my husband for more than 15 years and I do trust him, but in this area since I am leading the exploration, trust comes back into play and you almost go back to the beginning - not quite but almost. It's interesting but man, some days I wish we were simpler as human beings!
:) You, bossy??? Just kidding, I actually think we're pretty similar and more than that, you're probably one of the most positive people I know. I think in general we do know all these things, we just aren't ready to see them until - well, we're ready.
I hope you always have a nicely spanked bottom too... :)
Thanks Cara. I thought the hardest part was coming out - I was wrong!!!
Tracey, that last part - the "didn't I say you need to hurt me and surprise me..." and then the resistance! OMG, it's like you're in my house. I kind of am thinking we're on the threshold and it will happen, the submission, but it will have taken some getting to and I'm not sure that's a bad thing.
I'm thoroughly enjoying this journey together. xoxo
Really, you get the unsubmissive submissive??? ;) The more I think of this the more I want to say submission can only be given by a strong woman. It takes a great deal of courage to give it up. Not there yet I think but...
Han, you are a dear friend. I still remember when I told you how 'he gave me away'. It wast he firs time I'd actually said those words to myself, to someone else, and what did you do? You wrote him a letter. In Dutch! I will never forget that. I want to forget that time but I will never forget that action.
Since then, I think I've come to learn you better and trust you in a way that is special. You have a gift in that you can clearly think things through and then write them out (in English - not your first language). A thinking man. It's rare, my friend. Thank you for being here tonight. You always add to the conversation and aren't afraid to just say it like it is. :-)
Hi V, I know you're here and it's ok if you don't comment. I love you anyway.
Han does not have a blog but he should. He's a rambler...they're the best!!
The fairy tale that we create! I remember my first spanking. It was in December of last year and it was so NOT what I'd imagined and what I'd written but it was perfect because he said yes and he still loved me. It's weird huh? In our minds maybe it is just so much bigger or worse than reality.
Maren, I'm a sort of groupie I must admit... Don't worry, I'm entirely too lazy to stalk.
All you say is true - I want to submit when I feel like it damn it and the Jones' are way ahead :) but such is life and I kind of like working through it at the moment. No, it's not work, I just like where we are at this moment.
Patricia, I didn't know your story when I read it today. I loved it, thank you for sharing it. The topping from the bottom- it's a necessity at first and it does progress. Actually, my husband just read this post over my shoulder and made a comment that he'd the 'freelance dominator'. This is why I love him - he's insane! Anyhow, communication is the key... Thanks for hosting, Patricia.
love the post, Natasha. sometimes I can hardly remember what it was like to be a newbie, in a lot of things. interesting to read your thoughts as a newbie spanker
I finally got my ass over here to read this. It's so cool, N, that you are doing all this, and open to exploring and that he is too! I'm sure it gives a LOT of people hope and encouragement.
OK that was the serious part of my comment. You know me, I can't leave it serious. DORK potato.
I really enjoyed your post. Thanks for sharing.
Hope it's not too late to add my two cents, Natasha. I only came by your wonderful post today and just enjoyed thinking about this. I met my husband 32 years ago. I was long involved in kink and was up front with him about the stuff I was into, and a lot more than just spanking, but he wasn't and yet we fell in love anyway and I happily gave up my lifestyle to be with him and have never regretted it. Several years ago, out the blue, he told me that it had only really occurred to him how much I gave up and was it too late to explore a few of my old habits. "Hell no" I told him and in our thirtieth year of marriage I am like a blushing bride and not just in my face. He took on his role rather enthusiastically, much to my delight, and yeah, I couldn't be happier with our own little evolution and we continue to explore. Lot easier too now that our four kids are all grown up and we are on our own. Anyway, loved reading your post and thanks for sharing.
Hi Catherine, not too late and I'm so glad you dropped by. Wow, that is a story! It's so interesting to hear all the different stories and how people evolve. We have many things in common but every one of our stories are unique. I'm happy to hear how things have turned around in that sense, but it sounds like you have a pretty decent relationship already for him to even realize this after so many years. That is wonderful. Thank you for sharing.
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